Helpers and Help-ees

Disclaimer: I’m going to post this and pretend that blogging is a normal activity for me.

Yesterday, something happened and, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I needed to think about it.

I was in a situation where someone was very clearly trying to help me; however, I didn’t realize this until said person made a comment along the lines of “I guess I won’t help you, then.” My immediate response was “Sorry, I’m just used to doing everything for myself.” Which is true. . .as a single woman, I generally have to take care of myself. I only buy as many groceries as I can carry or pack as many suitcases as I can wrangle by myself. If something breaks, explodes, floods or stops working, I clean up the mess and see if I can fix it. Now, there are very clearly times when I must ask for help. I couldn’t fix my broken washing machine on my own. But yesterday was not one of those times.

When it happened, I felt kind of guilty for not allowing this person to help me especially in light of several recent conversations about graciously receiving love and gifts (especially when it’s the gift of time and/or service). Later, I was still pondering my knee-jerk reaction and defensive attitude.

*Insert mostly unrelated and somehow appropriate movie quote*

“Lefou, I’m afraid I’ve been thinking”

“A dangerous past time. . “

“I know”

The more I thought about it, the more tangled my thoughts became.

Do I really have a hard time allowing people to help me? I don’t want people to think that I expect to be helped. . .so how do I know when it’s ok to let someone help me? Why is it so hard to be helped? Is there a way to balance taking care of myself and being open to help, especially in times when I don’t think I need it?

I’m still working on answering most of these questions but I have realized that my “I have to take care of myself because no one else will” attitude is more pervasive that I originally thought. And even as I type that and think about what to say next, I also realize that I don’t know how to change that attitude. I can’t sit around and wait for help and, judging by what happened yesterday, I’m too busy helping myself to realize that someone else might be trying to help.

I don’t feel like I’m any closer to understanding this new predicament, but I’ve decided that awareness is the first step to improvement and it’s ok to take time to sort it out as long as I’m actually sorting it out.