Wonderstruck: Prayer

Today's challenge: Post a three word prayer.

But before I do that, I want to take a minute to stop and just think about the idea of prayer.
I mean, I have conversations every day. Important conversations (or as my friend JB calls them "legitimate conversations"), silly conversations, frustrating conversations, clarity-revealing conversations. . .
I talk to colleagues. I talk to students. I talk to friends. I talk to myself.

But prayer has always seemed a little bit different.
I mean, I knew it was supposed to be a conversation. But I had a hard time because one whole side of the conversation seemed to be missing. On occasion, I would really, genuinely hear that still, small voice. Or I would see connections between what I had been praying about and a song in fellowship or a devotional at school. I would even see the answers to my prayers. But that still seemed more like that whole gumball machine analogy I had been taught to avoid. . .you know, you put prayers in and expect good things to come out.

Like so many things in my recent spiritual journey, I can't put a finger on the moment when I finally gave in to this thought, but I started thinking. . .what if I did listen for God to talk back?
So I did.
I started journaling my prayers and my questions to God. Then I would stop and listen.
Sometimes thoughts would immediately come.
Sometimes I would have to sit for a minute before I would hear that "voice"
There are sure times when I don't hear anything clearly.
But when I did, I would write down what came to mind. So often, what I heard was not anything that I would have thought of on my own or it was an echo of something God had already spoken to Paul or David or Isaiah. And I would know. I was hearing the other side of the conversation.
And every time, I get up from that conversation with a clearer picture of who God is
. . .and isn't that the real reason for any conversation?

So, my three word prayer for today:
Keep speaking, Lord.

Wonderstruck: Dreams

Dreams

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow. 

Langston Hughes

Today, the challenge is to ponder, think about and "proclaim a bold dream"

I'm not going to lie. I don't want to. If I am 100% honest, I am too scared to voice a bold dream to myself, let alone to the internet.

I'm in a place right now where hope is a very scary thing. Because hope means that I don't know exactly how life will turn out. Will I ever get married? Will I ever move to a different country (other than the one I'm living in right now)? Will I  ever do the traveling that I really want to do? Go back and see Istanbul, the Greek Islands or a blue police call box in England? Will I do something of significance and leave behind a legacy of great teaching when I leave the school I'm currently teaching in?

To boldly declare that YES, these things will happen grates against the very core of who I am.

But what I'm learning is that maybe. . .just maybe, what that hope and belief is grating against is something that needs to be grated against.

Something inside me that has come to believe that achieving these dreams (and others) will equal success. The voice inside that whispers my life won't mean anything if these dreams don't come true. The belief that if I don't make these dreams come true, then I must be a failure.

In light of day, I can see these as lies. But how often do you shine a light on the deepest, darkest corners of your heart to see what's really there?

So when I start to hope and think of dreams as true possibilities, I am also confronting these lies. And THAT is a scary thing as well.

But all hope is not lost (idiomatic pun intended), because I'm also learning what happens when you do shine a light on the deepest, darkest corners of your heart. Or rather you let HIM shine a light on the deepest, darkest corners of your heart. I'm learning that I can trust HIM with my dreams--either to make them come true or to replace them with better ones. It's still a scary process because I don't know what's up ahead. I still don't know if I'll get married or move to a different country or get to see all the places I want to see.  

What I do know is that even if my dreams don't come true, my life doesn't have to become a "broken-winged bird that cannot fly" as Mr Hughes so aptly put it. Perhaps a dream deferred is a nudge to consider a new dream. But it is definitely a nudge to go back to the Creator of dreams and to sit with Him until He reveals what He has in store.

Wonderstruck: Stillness

There's nothing like encouraging feedback to make you even more excited about tackling and finishing a challenge. So as I continue on my pursuit of wonder, the challenge today was to sit in stillness for 20 minutes and allow God to speak and enjoy His presence.
I actually did this back in January when the challenge was first presented. Boy, was it HARD!! 
No, it wasn't hard to sit still for 20 minutes. It was hard to be still for 20 minutes. It went something like this
breathe in. . . .breathe out. . .breathe in. . .God come meet with me. . .breathe out. . .breathe in. . .did I remember to write that e-mail? oh wait, I'm supposed to NOT be focusing on e-mail right now. . .breathe out. . .God, what do you have to say?. . .breathe in. . .oh, I have to remember to take yarn to school tomorrow. . .[stop to write this down so I definitely don't forget it] [see the stack of vocabulary quizzes in my bag waiting to be graded and remind myself that I definitely will grade them as soon as I'm finished]. . .now what was I doing again?. . .
Well, I'm sure you get the picture. And I'm sure you can relate.
The beautiful thing was that, on this occasion, I persisted in getting past distractions and determined that I would listen for God's voice. And He showed up. He brought to mind people to pray for, insights into what I had been personally learning and into situations that had been weighing heavily on my heart. 

Since that time, I have looked for more ways to incorporate stillness into my times with Him. Times where I just sit, breathe and listen. I'll listen to the ticking of the clock or the hum of a fan until my brain has a chance to slow down and put aside the to-do list. Most times, I'll have a question in mind. Sometimes I get an answer. Sometimes I don't. Either way, I get up from that moment thankful for that time and looking forward to doing it again.

Wonderstruck: Sky

It's summer and, to me, that means TIME. 

• Time to breath
• Time to rest
• Time to do some of the things that I've been wishing I could do all year.

Right now, that means time to get back to blogging. See, I love writing. I just don't make myself do it enough. So, I have determined that I am going finish what I started months and months ago. Margaret Feinberg's 21 Days of Wonder Challenge. I have really come to appreciate Margaret's point of view and way with words and I'm excited to set aside time each day to notice the wonder of God around me.

Today's challenge: Consider the sky and consider God's faithfulness.

I have had the opportunity to see the sky in a lot of places: all over in America, Germany, France, Mexico, Zambia, South Africa, China, Korea, Thailand, Italy, Turkey, Greece, Canada. 

I have lain on my back and tried to memorize the bluest of blues, the grayest of grays, pillowy clouds, rainbows and falling snow.

I have listened to the rumble of thunder and the crack of lightning and the oncoming drizzle of rain.

One of my favorite things is to see the silhouette of something as the sun sets behind it. It's like the beauty of any building or mountain can't hold up against the masterpiece being painted behind it.

Qingdao, 2009

St. Peter's Basilica, Rome, 2013

Rome, 2013

 

 And the sky may look different in different places. But it's also the same. I can count the sky to bring me joy, fill me with awe and provide unimaginable beauty. I wonder if, next to the storehouses of snow and lightning that Job write about, are also cloud sculpting rooms and sunset color mixing rooms. Does God cut snowflakes as a creative outlet like I do each winter?
Interesting thought. . .

Well, now that I've written about it, all that I want to do is go outside and take pictures of the sky. It seems to be a clear day here in Beijing. Maybe I'll go and do just that!

Soundtrack of my life (Wonderstruck:Hope)

I like music, but I'm not normally a person who is constantly listening to music.
However, over the last two months, God has really been working in my life and He has been using song lyrics to really keep those lessons in my mind. 
I've created a playlist on Spotify, and as the words float through my brain, I decided to put them all in on place.
So feel free to read through what I've been learning and relearning.
Disclaimer: none of these are my words. I've tried to note the songwriter or the group that is known for performing it. Also, they're not really organized. . 

For all Your goodness, I will keep on singing 10,000 reasons for my heart to find 

(Matt Redman)

I will not fear, His promise is true  My God will come through always always 

(Kristian Stanfill)

At the foot of the cross  Where I am made complete  You have given me life  Through the death you bore for me  And you've won my heart  And you've won my heart, now I can  Trade these ashes in for beauty  And wear forgiveness like a crown  Coming to kiss the feet of mercy  I lay every burden down at the foot of the cross 

(Don Moen)

Faithful  Forever You are faithful  Shelter for the fragile soul  Lift us up and hold us all together  You are faithful, God  You are there, in every season of my soul  You are there, You're the anchor that will hold  You are there, in the valley of shadows  You are faithful, God

(Chris Tomlin)

You are more You are more  Than my words will ever say  You are Lord You are Lord  All creation will proclaim  You are here You are here  In Your presence I'm made whole  You are God You are God  Of all else I'm letting go 

(Kristian Stanfill)

One day the trumpet will sound for His coming  One day the skies with His glories will shine  Wonderful day, my Beloved One, bringing  My Savior, Jesus, is mine

(L. Wilbur Chapman)

I've abandoned every selfish thought  I've surrendered every thing I've got  You can have everything I am  And perfect everything I'm not
I'm willing,  I'm not afraid  You give me strength

(Audio Adrenaline)

I need You Lord  More than the air I breathe  More than the song I sing  More than the next heartbeat  More than anything 

(Lindell Cooley)

Who is this King of Glory that pursues me with his love  And haunts me with each hearing of His softly spoken words  My conscience, a reminder of forgiveness that I need  Who is this King of Glory who offers it to me 

(Third Day)

And all that I hide, could you bring me to life?Could you open my eyes and show me?Take all that was me and shape it to beReflecting you soully

(Toby Mac)

You loosed the chords of sinfulness  And broke the chains of my disgrace  You chose the cross  Up from the grave victorious  You rose again so glorious  You chose the cross  The sorrow that surrounded you was mine  "Yet not my will but yours be done" You cried

(Martyn Layzell)

I know that you don't understandthe fullness of My loveHow I died upon the cross for your sinsAnd I know that you don't realizehow much that I gave youBut I promise, I would do it all again.

(Third Day)

Here I am humbled by the love that You give, Forgiven so that I can forgive. So here I stand, Knowing that I am Your desire, Sanctified by glory and fire. And now I've found the greatest love of all is mine, Since You laid down Your life, The greatest sacrifice. Majesty, Majesty. Your grace has found me just as I am, Empty handed but alive in your hands. Singing Majesty, Majesty. Forever I am changed by Your love, In the presence of Your Majesty.

(Delirious?) 

At the cross You beckon me  You draw me gently to my knees, and I am  Lost for words, so lost in love,  I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered 

(Hillsong)

Take me past the outer courts  Into the Holy Place  Past the brazen altar  Lord I want to see your face  Pass me by the crowds of people  And the Priests who sing your praise  I hunger and thirst for your righteousness  But it's only found in one place 

(Kutless)

His oath, His covenant, His blood Support me in the whelming flood When all around my soul gives way He then is all my Hope and StayWhen He shall come with trumpet sound Oh may I then in Him be found Dressed in His righteousness alone Faultless to stand before the throne

(William Bradbury)

The good things  And the bad things are in Your hands  My hopes and my dreams  Are in Your command  And I come before You now  As imperfect as I am  And I give  Yes I give it all to You

(Audio Adrenaline)

Just a typical day. . .

A friend on Facebook posted this link to an article about expats (people living outside of their home/passport country). I enjoyed the article and decided to read a few more. An hour later, I felt like I had just finished having coffee with a person who "gets" me. The author has a way with words that makes my heart hum with happiness. As I read, the idea formed in my head that what I think of as "normal" has vastly changed in the last five years. Maybe it's the fact that 5 years seems like an "anniversary." Maybe it's because we're getting to the time of year when people start talking about leaving well, transition and saying goodbye. 
So I'd like to share a few events from today that would not have seemed typical 5 years ago. Not to boast about my life because frankly many of these things are very mundane (and some are painful). . .Mostly because these are words that I want to get out and acknowledge the person I have become and the country and the community that has brought me to that place. . .

*ride on a bus (much like a charter bus) at an appointed time on the way to school
*text my ayi (house helper) in characters to ask if she had used spicy peppers in the dish she was cooking for dinner, and then again to explain why I was asking if she had used spicy peppers
*decide whether to take a public bus or taxi home from dinner
*order my dinner in Chinese
*have a Korean 5th grade student bow to me as he introduced himself and asked for something another teacher needed
*listen to a conversation about which members of a group were Chinese or Korean or English or American. . .and wonder if the girl who was "only" American felt left out.
*use a word in Chinese because there is no English equivalent that means the same thing or communicates the idea as well
*brew Thai tea so that I can put it in the fridge and drink it tomorrow
*crave Korean food
*talk about leaving and being left behind as givens and not "maybe"s

Singlehanded

So I cut myself pretty badly last week and ended up getting 2 stitches. Since then I have been reflecting on how my life is different when I can only do some tasks with one hand.
Have you ever tried to wash you face using only one hand? It's hard. It's the first time since middle school I've gotten water up my nose. Just in case you're ever in my shoes, the key is to only work on one side of your face at a time.
It has been a good excuse to not wash dishes. "Sorry I can't wash this dish. Can't get my stitches wet."
However, it's been humbling asking for help with simple things, but I learned the first day that its better to ask for help than to overdo it and pay the price. I've had people bring me food, pack my suitcase, do my hair and carry numerous things. Thank you again to those people.
My solution to keeping my stitches dry in the shower has been to wear a rubber glove and tape the top closed. It's the first time I've had to pack a rubber glove. I wondered what the airport people thought when they saw it. One lone rubber glove.
I've also gotten a lot better at using gauze and tape to keep it covered. Do you know how hard it is to keep tape on the palm of your hand? Really hard. And for future reference, not using a lot of tape to look less conspicuous is not a good idea. Just bite the bullet and look a little silly. It's worth it to not have your bandage falling off.